an introduction to my life

a friend suggested I post some of the stories that I have had the pleasure to experience in my life on here. all of these are comical. my family is really not normal. unfortunately this is the only story I can think of at the moment worth mentioning!

specifically one story that always entertains people is when I went tubing on the Delaware river last summer. it all started on a hot summer day, my grandma picked my brother and I up in her car. we were then on our way to pick up her friend Darlene who was going to tag along. she had that "Tom Tom" portable GPS car navigation system newly installed in her car so she was using that to direct us to the tubing place. she kept calling it the "girl in the box" and when it said "turn left" for example she would turn the opposite direction and state that the "girl in the box" was wrong. also, when it wouldn't talk she would say "HELLO girl in the box!" and tap on it. many times we kept going in circles or passing the street we were supposed to go down. when we finally got to the place we walked to where the bus and tubes were. this man is handing all these tubes out down a line and ensuring everyone is getting a tube before we get on this bus to take us up the river. well, this older perverted looking man points to me and says "does he need a tube?"... another man said "he? he is a she!". I was insulted, but keep in mind I had the worst and most unflattering attire on I think anyone could ever wear. I wore a very large t shirt, shorts, old shoes, and a hat that my hair was tucked into, I also had shades on. the only reason I tucked my hair in was because I was afraid the sun would fade my hair dye. in retrospect, I looked like a total dike. when I finally got my tube (I was the last to receive one) we all got on the bus that would take us up the river. the old perverted looking man sat across from us and I stared at him the whole time due to the fact that I was pissed at him. I also swear this man had a boner the whole time, I am not kidding. when we got off the bus we got in the river and started our descent down. the water was really cold and shallow at first and there was also barely a current. we floated on for what seemed like forever in the hot sun. I kept putting sun screen on every 15 minutes or so and my grandma kept saying "stop putting so much on! you'll get poisoned! you know Bonnie put too much sunscreen on once and she got really sick!". that never happened to Bonnie (my grandma's friend). that's something I love about my grandma she makes up stories to scare us so we will stop doing something that she feels will potentially harm us. she then snatched the sunscreen away but I managed to regain it about 10 minutes later. at one point as we were floating down the river my grandma suggested we bungee ourselves together so we wouldn't get lost. at that point my brother and I paddled father away from her. my brother got really far ahead and my grandma kept yelling "DOM! DOM! DOMINIC!!! I'M COMING!" as she thought something would happen to him. I'd say about 20 minutes later from that my grandma's friend Darlene fell asleep face down on her float. Darlene literally looked like a corpse floating along the river. there was a point at the river where it would split two ways, we had to wake her up so she wouldn't go the wrong way. a little while after that we seen the god damn food boat, it whisked past us as we were floating for fucking ever in the hot sun. we then floated for what seemed like two hours before we got to the "island" which was just a bunch of rocks/gravel with tables to eat at where the boat was parked. there was also a hippy on the boat who had the longest hair I had ever seen so it was like a fucking red cape going by. before we actually got to this "island" though (when it was in sight) a man got out of his tube and started walking over to it. I thought "oh fuck this, I'm tired of floating I can just get out and walk to the food boat like that guy is!"... it was such a bad idea. although the water was super shallow the current was crazy, so as soon as I got out I fell. my grandma almost died at this point. she panicked and rushed over screaming "JAC! JAC! GET BACK IN YOUR FLOAT! JAC!!!!". how embarrassing. so I managed to get back in my float and made it to the "island" eventually. the food boat luckily had veggie patties but they had to get another boat to bring it to the food boat. apparently veggie patties are special orders and also cost about $5 more. after we ate we got back in out floats and went down the river until we got to the point to where the bus would pick us up again to take us back. we then got back on the bus and were on our way back to where the car was parked. I wanted to get changed because I was NOT going to ride home in wet clothes. there was no where to get changed so I went inside this smelly tent thing where a bunch of flies happened to be. my worst nightmare. the tent seriously reeked of shit. I held my breath and got dressed as fast as I could. then we were on our way home.

I will post more crazy stories like this as soon as they pop into my mind!
Mallory happened to remind me of this one (since I explained the whole thing to her when it happened)... so I just had to explain it to everyone else:D.